Pressure, comfort, self-sabotage, habits, and learning how to fix problems

Well...This is supposed to be a place I use to show my growth as a programmer and as a software engineer. That, in my mind, includes things that may not be directly related to class content but play a large role in what this class does for me, and what I do in this class.

Up until this point, I've mostly been a coaster. An exceptionally skilled and intelligent coaster to get this far, but still a coaster. Until recently I didn't need to make large efforts. Looking back, I wish I did. So much unused potential. And fixing some of my other issues would have been far easier

You see, one of the things that's gotten into my mind is that venturing out of my comfort zone is...well, bad. Like college. It's a "safe" environment for me. Of course, all good things must come to an end, and so I seek to graduate this spring. This causes an internal conflict, one very difficult for me to recognize, partially because I didn't see the "safe" mindset conciously until I really thought about it. I want to remain, but I also want to leave, to move on and succeed. Initially this semester, the need to remain in a "safe" won out, and I unconsciously sabotaged myself. Now, this is a very interesting bit, because if I were having this though process on a conscious level, I wouldn't have gone the same way. I would have seen, as I know, that failing would not end in me staying in this environment. This needed to be my last semester.

But I didn't think like that, because I didn't even know, consciously, that I was causing myself this problem. And now, I'm faced with another dilema. Give up? Give in to this behavior that caused my problem in the first place, push my schedule back? Or fight it and try to grab victory from the jaws of defeat? I have been told I'm overestimating own abilities. Maybe. But I don't know my abilities, really, because I've never stretched myself. And I think now is the time. One way or another, I need to confront myself and win. Putting that off will hurt me more than anything else possibly can, I think. So no. I will not be giving up. This is about more than just a class now. It's about seizing an opportunity to change my self for the better, once and for all, and how can I give that up?


Anyways, that's my little rambling. More on-topic posts to follow.